VHS-PLOITATION

Megaforce (1982)

2012-03-06T02:42:00.004-08:00

"Deeds not words"

Original titel: Megaforce
Cathegory: Action
Country: America
My version was: 96 minutes
IMDB: 2.9
Production company: Golden Harvest Company
Director: Hal Needham
Cast: Barry Bostwick/Michael Beck/Persis Khambatta/George Furth/Henry Silva

Trailer

The plot in short:
Megaforce is an underground group that uses hightech motorcycles and gadjets to kill commies or as they call it "protecting the world from evil".

"Great" moments and quotes throughout the movie:
43 minutes in: The token black guy helps the token asian guy to solve a rubriks cube. Destroying stereotypes or pointing them out?

87 minutes in: What the fuck did i just watch?

Fun facts:
¤The movie had a budget of 20 million dollars.
¤The South Park creators said that this was the movie that inspired them the most when creating Team America.

The good and the bad:
++Perfectly executed intro with awesome music.
++The bikes paintjobs are to die for.

--Persis Khambatta should try to act instead of looking cute all the time.
--A lead character you want to strangle.
--This is what they acheaved with 20 million dollars?

Fuck you Barry Bostwick, fuck you for being a cunt.

The actual review: 4/10
Writing about b-movies you sometimes have to give the movies some slacks. Many cant afford, dont have the equipment or dont even have the time to create a solid picture. Then there's these movies who jump in with a huge budget but still dont get a thing right. There is no excuse for the bad dialogs and the unintresting plot. And there is certainly no excuse for putting a skintight silver jumpsuit and bandana on Barry Bostwick and thinking he will be the new icon among young kids. People only thought he was gay and to be honest the jury is still out on that one.
On the bright side it gave me some good laughs and a whole lot of cool actionscenes but those 20 million dollars should have given me a proper film not this garbage.

Robotrix (1991)

2012-03-03T02:16:00.008-08:00

"Never has a robot looked so good"

Original titel: Nu Ji Xie Ren
Cathegory: Sci-fi, Cyborgs, Action
Country: Hong-kong
My version was: 94 minutes/Uncut/English subtitles
IMDB: 6.3
Production company: Golden Harvest Company
Director: Jamie Luk
Cast: Amy Yip/David Wu/Chikako Aoyama/Billy Chow

Trailer

The plot in short:
During a mission to protect a middle east prince policeofficer Linda gets shot. With the help from some scientists she gets brought back to life and equipped with technological implants making her a robot/android/whatever. She goes back into service and tries to hunts down the evil cyborgscientist who was behind her death.

Great moments and quotes throughout the movie:
8 minutes in: During an expo on the latest cyborg-models a random asian dude in the audience get all lippy and takes his shirt of screaming "I dont think your so powerful!" and attacks the robot.
Its an expo on science mate! Calm the fuck down!

Some serious anger issues

13 minutes in: "His highness was kidnapped on a visit by a mysterious person." What?

21 minutes in: "You are now a robot, a female robot." Haha

What kind of a robot?

46 minutes in: During a sting operation set up by the cops in a whorehouse one of the officers get so erroused that he disguises himself as a civilian and tries to buy sex from his colleague. Its just ridiculos.

49 minutes in: The three female cyborg-cops go to a club. As they enter the DJ takes the mic and shouts "Wow! Three beautiful girls.".

Fun facts:
¤The movie is one of the more wellknown CIII films (Category 3). This name comes from the Hong-kong rating system and is equivalent to an R-rating. These movies are wellknown over the world for their extremly violent, gory and explicit content.
¤The picture and woman on the VHS-cover has absolutely nothing to do with the movie whatsoever.

Pro's and cons:
++Cyborg fightscenes
++Chikako Aoyama is bloody hot!
++The great electro soundtrack matches the cyberpunkish feeling perfectly.
++A great vilain

--Asians overacting.
--Asian humor.
--The rapescene.

Chikako Aoyama

The actual review: 6/10
Take the beginning of Robocop, the cyberpunk theme from Blade runner (sort of), the questioning about mortality and human existense from Ghost in the shell (sort of) and the ending of Terminator II (sort of). Spice it all up with extreme violence and a whole heap of nudity and this is what you get. The film features good old ultra-violence and the fighting scenes between cyborgs are fantastic.

Even though it has typical Asian humor and the fact that its a lowbudget chock-flick it has some great cyberpunk features. The scene when they pull out the eyes from a dead guy and scan it so they can see what the victim experienced before he died reminded me about the Esper Photo Analasys from Blade runner (sort of haha).
I wouldnt call this a great movie but it has some redeeming qualitys that are easily overlooked by the random sexscenes and the aweful dialoge.

Deathstalker (1983)

2012-02-29T02:35:00.006-08:00

"Journey to an age of awesome magic"

Original titel: El cazador de la muerte
Cathegory: Fantasy
Country: Argentina
My version was: 77 minutes/Uncut
IMDB: 3.9
Production company: Aries Cinematographica Argentina
Director: James Sbardellati
Cast: Rick Hill/Barbi Benton/Lana Clarkson/Richard Brooker/Bernhard Erhard/Veronica Llinas/Victor Bo/Augusto Larreta

Trailer

The plot in short:
Deathstalker (or random prettyboy in wig) gets sent on a suicidemission to collect a bunch of magical items and kill an evil sorcerer (originality is not the main reason to watch this movie).

"Great" moments and quotes throughout the movie:
40 minutes in: A half man half pig beats a man until his hands hurts so he rips an arm of a midget and uses that instead.

Orgy turned bloodbath

43 minutes in: The evil sorcerer transforms one of his male guards into Playboy model Barbi Benton so he/she can seduce Deathstalker and then kill him. It all makes a lot of sense.

51 minutes in: Headbutted to death. What a way to go out.

Fun facts:
¤Film was shot in 37 days.
¤The movie got 4 sequels.
¤The film Barbarian Queen is a spinoff from this movie and features lots of the same characters and lots of the same fantasy/sexploitation elements.

Gorescore: 6/10
A boy feeds his fingers and eyes to some creature in a chest, a midget gets his arms ripped of and used as a club and a man getting pulled apart by horses.

Babescore: 8/10
Lots and lots of nudity, pretty girls and muddfights but whats up with the random acts of rape and violence targeted at women? Its messed up i know but the fact that the beautiful Playboy model Barbi Benton stars in the movie makes me forget the more foul nudity. Oh and did i mention there is a female warrior who for no appearent reason runs around topless?

What will i wear today? Nothing!

Musicscore: 4/10
Conan the barbarian but not quite.

B-movie/Cult score: 6/10
Sexploitation fantasy might sound like a messed up thing but exists way more than many might think. Add to that a lead character who wears an obvious wig, midgets, clichè evil guards all dressed in black and busty sexslaves. Its not politically correct but it's great fun to watch.

The actual movie: 6/10
I have always been a fan of these dungeon & dragons flicks. It might be a poor mans version of Conan but still mighty good entertainment. Apart from the uncharismatic lead actor, the constant raping of women and the wierd directing i cant understand why it got such a bad reputation (haha).

Making up for something else?

Destroy all monsters (1968)

2012-02-25T02:13:00.008-08:00

"Monsters of mass destruction"

Original title: Kaiju Soshingeki
Genre: Sci-fi, Monstermovies, Childfriendly
Country: Japan
My version was: 88 minutes/English subtitles
IMDB: 6.3
Production company: Toho Company
Director: Ishiro Honda
Cast: Godzilla/Rodan/Angilus/Mothra/Gorasaurus/Akira Kubo/Jun Tazaki/Andrew Hughes

Trailer

The plot in short:
Aliens have released all the giant monsters from their imprisonment on Monster Island and are using them to destroy all major cities on the planet. It is up to the daring crew of the super rocket ship X-2 to infiltrate the aliens' headquarters before the Earth monsters and King Ghidrah annihilate the planet. (taken from IMDB)

Great moments and quotes throughout the film:
8 minutes in: Some strange gas is seaping in from under a door, the professor screams "It's gas" and opens the door (WTF!?). Gas fills the room and everybody falls to the floor. Nice going professor.

22 minutes in: Ogata tries to assault the alien queen by grabbing her tits hehe.

47 minutes in: Hundreds of tanks battle it out with Godzilla but it seems they all skipped class the day when they taught you how to actually hit stuff. Most of them fire rockets in the wrong direction and one tank doesnt even fire but instead charges straight ahead and crashes with Godzillas toe. With toytanks like these who needs monsters?

73 minutes in: The big monster showdown where earths monsters fight a spacedragon with 3 heads used to be the shit when i was young but watching it now its just wierd.

Now its just wierd

80 minutes in: "A fire monster has joined in the battle" Fuck!! How many of these things are there?

Fun facts:
¤This was the 9th Goodzilla movie and was supposed to be the last but after seing what a huge succes it was all across the world the soon scrapped that idea. To this day over 20 movies has been made (not even mentioning all the tv-series).
¤The movie was a reunion of old and forgotten moviemonsters. Some of them hadnt been on screen since 1955. A monstergalore one might say.
¤The movie was a big step away from old Godzilla movies. Where he was the villain in all the old ones this was the first of many where Godzilla actually ended up as the hero. To convince the audience that the big ol‘ lizard was on mankinds side they made his pupils a bit smaller.

Terrorizing the dock-workers

Gorescore: 0/10
Toys.

Babescore: 1/10
Glittering jumpsuits and annoying Japanese women.

Musicscore: 4/10
The epic Godzilla song is in there but other than that its nothing special.

B-movie/Cult score: 7/10
The fact that its so obviously toys fighting it out in miniature toytowns makes it fun to watch. The scenes where the toys gets replaced by actors inside stiff dinosuits are even better and allway through its just a really charming movie (not good though).

The actual cast

The actual movie: 5/10
Even though i watched it with nostalgic eyes its not really that good deep down. The acting is bad and the parts without the monsters are to frequent and slowpaced. On top of that some parts make no sense at all. For instance how did a bunch of slug/rock people without hands build such advanced equipment? How did the humans know how to use the monstercontrol device they found? Its charming and all but i guess i am to old to appretiate it these days.

Enemy gold (1993)

2012-02-22T01:39:00.007-08:00

"Bullets, bombs and babes"

Original titel: Enemy gold
Cathegory: Action
Country: America
My version was: 91 minutes/Uncut
IMDB: 3.8
Production company: Skyhawks Films
Director: Christian Drew Sidaris
Cast: Julie Strain/Bruce Penhall/Suzi Simpson/Mark Barriere/Tanquil Lisa Collins

Trailer

The plot in short:
Some D-list pornstars (appearently playing agents) get suspended from work after pissing of their corrupt boss and goes looking for an old goldstash hidden away during the American civil war. Sounds interesting right?

"Great" moments and quotes throughout the movie:
10 minutes in: After the first random nudescene "specialagent" Becky Midnight steps out of the bathroom where her ex boyfriend is instructing her in a new crossbow with exploding arrows.
"The tip of this arrow explosed 3 seconds after penetration" whereas she replies "Reminds me about an old boyfriend". The muscular guy in the background might be giggeling like a little schoolgirl in his camo tanktop but i sure as hell aint.

16 minutes in: After the first random gunfight Becky shoots with this fancy new crossbow, taking down two coocainsmugglers and says "You gotta stop looking at me as just another pretty face". Yeah girlpower! Maybe if you put on some clothes the message would be clearer.

Some great acting can be found in this film

38 minutes in: A drunken man comments Julie Strain's tits as she is walking down the street. She yells at him "WHY IS YOUR NOSE BIGGER THAN YOUR DICK" and gives him a headbutt followed by spitting on him as he begs for mercy. Haha now we're talking!

42 minutes in: During a shady meeting between the corrupt cop and a stipclub owner the corrupt cop pulls a gun on the owner but later takes it down and walk towards the door. The owner stops him and says "If you ever point a gun at me i will take it and shove it up your ass, sideways". Thats a lot of toughtalk comming from a guy who just had a gun pointed to his head. This fucking script!!!!

50 minutes in: Every year since they where young the two male "special agents" has gone out into the woods to search for clues about where the hidden gold can be. They bring along Becky for the first time who upon entering the woods needs to take a leak. She finds a dead soldier and the first clue to where the treasure could be. "Searching for treasure in the woods" every year they say ey? I am getting some serious Brookeback Mountain vibes here.

55:minutes in: The baddies need a boat and instead of killing the owners and taking it Julie Strain strips of to her underwear and approach these poor suckers, then kills them and then takes the boat. This fucking script!!!!!

Oh and did i mention that her partner later makes a comment that she has "a flair for this kind of work".

70 minutes in: After a "wild and intense" chase on motocrosses a badguy crashes into a tree and dies. That same tree conveniently holds the second and final clue to find the gold. Fucking script!!!

75 minutes in: Wow, hold on! Did she just lose her voice when delivering her line but they just ignored to re-shoot the scene and left it in there?

Fun facts:
¤A part of the "L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies" series (number 9 to be exact) but the only one not to be directed by Andy Sidaris. Instead this one was directed by his son, who clearly is a retard.

Gorescore: 1/10
Look elsewhere.

Babescore: 4/10
This is where this movie should get a high score right? Well think again, Babescore is not sexscore and the fact that all ladies in this movie pull out their awkwardlooking tits every chance they get dont help them here one bit.
The women where choosen for their plastic tits and their desperate search for fame, the men where handpicked not for their actingskills but based on their benchpressing skills. Ladies run around in underwear and men run around in leather vests. So whats the problem some might wonder? Well unlike the ladies from the legendary Russ Meyers films these actors have no sexappeal whatsoever and anyone getting of on this might aswell download a porno and stop acting like he gives a shit about movies.

There is no reason to any of the nudity

Musicscore: 0/10
Sleazy guitarsolos and saxophone masturbation being loped over and over again. Think porn but without the moaning.

B-movie/Cult score: 1/10
Trying to be cult is not cult. I know this is from the 90's and someone might look at this as cult in 2050 but right now its just bad. Nothing more nothing less.

The actual movie: 2/10
A movie made for the choosen few who look at porn and skip past the sexscenes to follow the story.
I guess one good thing with the IT society (except for my fantastic blogg) is that horny 13 yearolds can now download all sorts of kinky porn for free over the internet instead of putting out the little money they have on these sorry excuses for "actionmovies" just to see some boobies.
I was born to early and i want my paper-round money back!

Cencor! (1995)

2012-02-19T09:23:00.007-08:00

"When his mind blows… anything goes!"

Original titel: Evil Ed
Rated: R
Cathegory: Horror
Country: Sweden
My version was: 91 minutes/Uncut/English audio
IMDB: 5.0
Production company: Evil Ed Productions
Director: Anders Jacobsson
Cast: Gert Fylking/Cecilia Ljung/Johan Rudebeck/Per Löfberg

Trailer

The plot in short:
Edward works as a censor. His new assignment is to cencor the new "Loose limbs" series who is known for its sadistic violence. After editing it for some time he starts to hallucinate and fantasising about the things he has seen and edited. To save the world he now needs to rid it of the filth and sleaze that plagues it... And kill a whole lot of people.

"Great" moments and quotes throughout the movie:
2 minutes in: A guy gets fired for commiting suicide.

10 minutes in: Edward is working late editing when his wife calls him and complains that he never talks about his work. Edward calmly explains what the movie is about:
"In this film a woman gets raped by a beaver and then shot in the head with a bazooka"

27 minutes in: A doctor cuts of a patients foot with a meatcleaver. "My foot!" whereas he replies "Dont thank me thank science" and continues to chop of limbs for about 30 seconds. NOT for the weak of heart.

35 minutes in: A Jamaican gremlin is living in Edward refrigerator and accuses him of being a nazi. Ok?

Bright light, bright light.

38 minutes in: "Where in the fuck is my beaver rape scene?"

39 minutes in: "Make a note. Beaver rapescene stays in the film!"

73 minutes in: "Nice tie."

74 minutes in: "Nice bed."

75 minutes in: "Nice door."

82 minutes in: "Nice shot.".... and dies.

Nice script

Fun facts:
¤In Sweden it was rejected by all theaters except 4 but the film was sold to over 60 countries afterwards.
¤The SWAT officer with the broad American accent who thinks everything is nice is actually Gert Fylking, a respected and wellknown TV/Radio host in Sweden.

Gorescore: 9/10
The goriest movie to ever come out of Sweden atleast that i know of. Even if you are numbed from years of splatter this one will make you atleast flinch a bit. Some quite disturbing scenes but all made with a bit of humor sprinkled on top of it all.

Some really disturbing scenes

Babescore: 5/10
Silicone tits, tight skirts and an overabundance of makeup. Mjueh. For a nation so wellknown for its beautiful women this movie offers nothing special.

Musicscore: 3/10
Bad bad bad bad music from the 90's.

This guy made music for it.

B-movie/Cult score: 7/10
In Scandinavia it has a cultstatus and for good reasons. A one of a kind film that really pushed the boundaries for what was ok to show in the cinemas. Hated by many adored by the rest.

The actual movie: 6/10
A nice little nod towards the overprotective cencorship and debate about movies impact on the viewers in Sweden during the 80's and early 90's. The actors are far from decent enough to even be extras but Edwards transformation from a calm and christianlooking officeworker into a psychotic killer is quite fun to watch. Bad movie, entertaining horror.

Death race 2000 (1975)

2012-02-16T09:26:00.008-08:00

"Across the town the traffic is MURDER!"

Original titel: Death Race 2000
Cathegory: Sci-fi, Nazis
Country: America
My version was: 80 minutes/Uncut
IMDB: 6.2
Production company: New World Pictures
Director: Paul Bartel
Cast: Sylvester Stallone/David Carradine/Simone Griffeth/Roberta Collins/Martin Kove/Mary Woronov

Trailer

The plot in short:
In the year 2000 after the great worldcollapse America has made a national sport out of roadkillings and unethical behavour behind the wheels. Followed by tv-cameras the contestors here made up of cowboys, nazis, mafiosos and the movies hero called Frankenstein try to rack up points by driving down people and making it crosscounty to the finish line. An "evil terrorist group" claiming the sport is inhumane (damn hippies) try everything to stop the race. The drivers soon find out that they have more than their rivals to watch out for if they want to make it through this race alive.

Great moments and quotes throughout the movie:
7 minutes in: After introducing the other racers it's now time for Machinegun Joe (Sylvester Stallone).
"Here he comes! Machinegun Joe, loved by thousands and hated by millions."
His car is decked out with mounted Tommyguns and after being booed out by the audience he pulls out another Tommygun and opens fire at the spectators...... Moviehistory just got one of the wierdest and most antisocial characters ever.

A wierd wierd man

16 minutes in: The announcer recaps what score drivers get for killing people. Women 10points, teenagers 40points, babies 70 points, elder citizens 100points. Wonder why the "terrorist fraction" wants to stop this sport haha.

18 minutes in: To save money "Mercy hospital" puts out all their elders into the streets for the drivers to earn scores. Frankenstein avoids the elders and mows down the nurses instead and gets applauded by the announcer for his American spirit and humor.

28 minutes in: Machinegun Joe is a true gentleman and shows his woman her place by hitting her over the face with a closed fist. I think this is the scene that earned him the lead in a wellknown boxingmovie a year later.

54 minutes in: Machinegun Joe tries to strangle a girl and Frankenstein stops him, he then tries to suckerpunch Frankenstein and later also starts swingin' a crowbar against him. Frankenstein in all his gimpyness beats Machinegun Joe to the floor whereas Joe says "So much for a fair fight"... what??

76 minutes in: Frankenstein goes to collect his award from the president but instead drives him over with his car. The guards and audience all cheer him on and shouts his name. Next scene he is the new president..... its that easy to change leadership without any consequences? It all feels a bit made up on the spot if you ask me.

Fun facts:
¤Since the cars where homemade and far from safe they where actually not legal to drive in. This caused many of the stuntdrivers to refuse some scenes and Sylvester Stallone ended up doing most of the driving himself (he also wrote most of his own dialoge).

¤Since the cars where homemade they didnt work so well so most of the time they filmed it in pitched speed to give the illusion that the cars where fast. Sometimes the cars didnt work at all but since it was a lowbudget film they fixed that by pushing the cars downhill to give it some speed.

¤The bondagegear in the film is actually made from synthetic materials since David who played Frankenstein refused to wear leather.

¤The movie was supposed to be a dark and bit more sinnister movie but they ended up rewriting it with a more humouristic touch.

¤It resulted in a followup that came out in 2008. This time charming elements where thrown out the window for a "Need for speed" actionmovie that sadly enough got better score's than this original ever got.
¤After the movie was shot the company sold many of the cars to museums for more than it costed to create them.

Gorescore: 4/10
People getting mowed down by cars sounds a bit chocking but the humor in the movie takes some of the edge of it. Even if its violent it never really goes to deep into the goredepartment which would only have ruined the movie.

Babescore: 6/10
Beautiful 70's girls and a bit of nudity but nothing to sleazy.

Bring out the gimp

Musicscore: 2/10
Machinegun Joe even assaults a guy playing the violin in a restaurant, its that bad.

B-movie/Cult score: 9/10
This is one of my favourite movies from my childhood and has anything a young kid could ever want. Evil yet sexy nazigirls, futuristic murdercars, nonstop action and Sylvester Stallone all mashed into one of the most classic films of the 70's. The movie didnt make that many copycats but has inspired everything from videogames to musicgroups and if we can all ignore the followup that came out some years ago the Death race name still stands out as an untouched cult classic.
The fact that the pitched filming to make the cars seem faster is so obvious at some points just makes it all that greater.

Me want

The actual movie: 7/10
Many plotholes like how the roads are still being worked on and repaired, parks look clean even though this is supposedly taking place after the great worldcollaps. Another thing i never understood is how the tvcrews keep score and film everything. Do they have sattelites that can see anything everywhere? If so then how can the "terrorist organisation" still kill of all the drivers and plan their attacks? Not to mention the stressed and wierd ending. Maybe i am overanalyzing a b-movie from the 70's but one thing is clear, plotholes or not the movie is a one of a kind and still stands the test of time.

Demons (1985)

2012-02-13T05:23:00.000-08:00

"Their Evil Becomes an Orgy of Bloodshed"

Original titel: Dèmoni
Cathegory: Horror
Country: Italy
Runtime: 85minutes/Uncut/English dubbed
IMDB: 6.4
Production company: DACFILM Rome
Director: Laberto Bava
Cast: Urbano Barberini/Natasha Hovey/Geretta Geretta/Karl Zinny/Fiore Argento/Paopla Cozzo/Fabiola Toledo/Nicoletta Elmi

Trailer

The plot in short:
A bunch of new wave disco punks and other random Italians gets lured into a large movie theater infested by demons that kill and posseses the humans. Mayhem, murder and flesheating follows.

Great moments and quotes throughout the movie:
35 minutes in: When the survivors flee from the demons one of the guys get way out of steps and grabs another guy screaming in his face "HANNA!!! I lost my girlfriend!". The guy shakes him of whereas he grabs an older woman and screams "HANNA!!! Where are you?" straight into her face. Wherever Hanna is it's not in this womans face i can tell you that much.

59 minutes in: Some folks have barricaded themselfs from the demons and hear a banging sound on the other side. For some reason they all scream out "Rescue is here!!!" (WTF!?) and start tearing down the barricades...... There was no rescue and yes most of they died.

Rescue is here...NOT

Fun facts:
¤The film has many mistakes like filmcrew being in shot but the biggest one is in the helicopter scene. When the helicopter crashes through the roof it doesnt have any pilots and has some broken parts. Yet in the next scene there are two dead pilots in the chooper and the parts that where broken are now magically fixed.
¤After this movie a Demoni 2 and Demoni 3 was made.

Gorescore: 9/10
Holy fuckface this is what i call a gorefest! Eyes ripped out and throats ripped apart by hand in all their glory but its the actual transformation of the demons that are worth checking out here. All of these are done excellently and with greater care and skill than most other horrorfilms of it's time.
Watch out for the "demon birth through spine" around 65 minutes into the movie. Simply awesome.

Demonbirth trough spine

Babescore: 2/10
The blond punkgirl was probably supposed to be the eyecandy in the film but the fact that she looks like a 12 year old Swedish boy with one hell of an overbite sort of ruins it.

Musicscore: 8/10
Like most (good and bad) Italian movies from the 80's this one features some really great music. Music by Billy Idol and Motley Crue among many.

Seing a man riding around on a motocross inside a theater cutting down demons with a samuraisword, all while "Fast as a shark" by Accept is blasting in the background is as satisfying as it sounds.

B-movie/Cult score: 2/10
I watched this one when i was 17 and remembered it as a true b-movie. Watching it again after all these years i must actually say its not that bad in quality. Sure there is tons of green slime and blood splattering in worst b-movie fashion but good directing and a somewhat intriguing story it rises above most movies that will be featured on this site.

The actual movie: 7/10
The whole movie within a movie thing they got going on is a good idea and by horrorstandards its a good movie. There is also some quite nerving horrorsequences in the film one being the scene when kids crawl through a ventilation shaft with a demon on their tails. He moves slowly and all you can see and hear from him is his deformed claws scraping the metal behind them as he moves closer and closer.
Sure some of the acting is quite bad and it only gets worse with the awefull dubbing into English but if you like horrormovies you have seen and heard worse.

Green slime or not its actually a good movie

The crippled masters (1979)

2012-02-11T01:20:00.000-08:00

"Revenge against all odds"

Original title: Tin can di cue
Genre: Martial arts
Country: Taiwan
My version was: 89 minutes/Uncut/English dubbed
IMDB: 5.6
Production company: (unknown)
Director Joe Law
Cast: Jackie Conn/Frankie Shum/Chen Mu Chuan

Trailer

The plot in short:
Sort of a vigilante and "comming of age" movie all baked into one hell of a shameful mess about two guys who get their limbs cut of. One gets his arms cut of and the other one his legs burnt of by acid. The two cripples get their shit together with the help of a man who lives inside a wicker basket and seek revenge on their nemesis.

Great moments and quotes throughout the film:
4 minutes in: One of the cripples just got his arms cut of by a sword and falls down a set of stairs. Laying on the ground one can clearly see that the actor is a cripple since birth and he has a deformed little stump that wiggles back and forth, also where his right arm should be its just a flat surface without even a trace of blood on his shirt. Something tells me that getting your arms cut of would result in atleast a little bit of bloodspill. Oh my bad, the blood was added in the next shot (fucking movie!).

5 minutes in: A minute after he gets his arms cut of he tries to get into a restaurant. If i ever get my arms cut of noodle soup would be the last thing on my mind. How about seing a doctor first? Ridiculous.

17 minutes in: After falling in the river while trying to drink (haha) our cripple washes up at a farm where the farmer asks him how he got into such a bad state. Cripple replies:
"-I dont know what i can say, but if i dont die i will be a great success"

Successful actors or circus-freaks?

30 minutes in: I am speechless here... all i can say is that an old man lives inside a basket, inside a cave, in the middle of the forest and through numerous plotholes that dont make any sense he makes it his quest to train these two handicapped gentlemen at getting back at their enemies.

47 minutes in: In a blazing kungfu fight the guy with lifeless stumps for legs use them as a rope to choke out an opponent. Something you just have to see for yourself.

62 minutes in: The cripless try to infiltrate the badguys headquarters by "climping" the roofs. Since the roofs of the headquarter is far from handicap friendly their little game of stealthy ninjas in the dark just becomes awkward to watch. The guy without legs even brings along sticks so he can hoister himself over a gap that anyone except him could have jumped. The whole thing is just painfull and heartbreaking to watch.

74 minutes in: A scene with just to much going on to even try to describe here but i'll try.
A man gets a basket thrown into his room which he is convinced contains jewels (fucking movie!). As he opens it up an old man knocks him cold and he later gets tucked into the basket by one of the cripples without making any effort of defending himself (this fucking movie!). I know it sounds like confuced rantings from my side but just watch the movie and you will see the chaos i am trying to explain here.

85 minutes in:

Whoever made the soundeffects for this movie really went beyond the call of duty. Mighty morphin cripple rangers haha. Yup thats actually how the movie ends, a buttslapp followed by the end. This fucking movie!!!

Fun facts:
¤On the American movieposter the story was marketed as a story about "Two crippled brothers" when in fact they had no relation to each other whatsoever before the accident in the movie.
¤The film was featured on the DVD from 2004 called 50 worst movies ever made

Nominated for worst movie ever made

Gorescore: 3/10
This might sound a bit heartless but the stumps on one of the cripples is gorefeast enough for me. Leftovers of legs all bloody and lifeless that drags across the floor is the stuff of nightmares. Other than the deformed actors themselfs there isnt really much of anything nauseating going on here.

Babescore: 0/10
Was there even women in the movie?

B-movie/Cult score: 5/10
Most kung-fu movies are quite bad but this one takes the price. Those awkward asian dialoges and asian humor mixed with wierd camera-angles makes me uncomfortable when watching it.
Wonderfull fake mustaches, overdramatic deathscenes and evil nemesises who laugh high and deviously after everything they say brings it some cultscore.

Fake mustaches and evil laughs

The actual movie: 3/10
Lets be honest its one of the most ridiculous movies ever made but seing two cripples crawling around on the floor in greatest "push it to the limit" fashion as they learn to fight is not only good for laughs it also makes me quite happy about my current limbsituation.
Just like many of this era's "Women in prison" movies it leaves you with a foul taste in your mouth and a feeling of political incorrectness since laughing at less fortunate is nothing i do in everyday life.
The only good thing about the movie is the fightingscenes but even these are so awefully executed and so numerous that they sort of shoot themselfs in the foot. Still good for a laugh or two.

Coffy (1973)

2012-02-03T01:56:00.000-08:00

The baddest one-chick hit-squad to ever hit town

Original title: Coffy
Genre: Blaxploitation
Runtime: 91 minutes
IMDB: 6.7
Production company: American International Pictures (AIP)
Director: Jack Hill
Cast: Pam Grier/Sid Haig/Booker Bradshaw/Robert DoQui/William Elliot/Linda Haynes/Carol Locatell

Trailer

The plot in short:
Coffy (Pam Grier) is a nurse who's sister fell into the wrong path in life. After a fix of contaminated cocaine her little sister almost dies and Coffy decides to get back on the people responsible by infiltrating their ranks.

Great moments and quotes throughout the film:
26 minutes in: Coffy's copfriend gets brutaly beaten and lays in the hospital. His colleagues comes to visit him and asks the doctor how he is holding up. The doctor replies "Well he might be able to go to the bathroom by himself someday"....... speachless.

The age of the onesies

30 minutes in: A hooker draws a knife against Coffy. She just laughs ties her jacket around her left arm breaks a bottle that she equips herself with in the right arm slowly moving towards the hooker saying "So you wanna play with knifes huh? Well you picked the wrong player". Damn i love that woman!

45 minutes in: Yet again our streetcleaning Coffy is beating up hookers. She knock out 6 of them but gets blindsided by one of them that grabs her afro. The hooker starts to scream and her hands start squirting blood. There is never any explanation to why (if there was i missed it) but i guess she had razors stuck in there somewhere.

74 minutes in: Coffy lures Sid Haig to have sex with her under a bridge but pulls out a homemade shank from her afro and stabs him multiple times in the throat. I was sitting through the rest of the movie thinking she would haul out a shotgun next.

84 minutes in: Coffy points a shotgun at her ex-boyfriend who tries to convince her of dropping it and she replies "Before you try to take it i think you better know that all your friends are dead. Betroni, Ronalds, McHenrey and some others to. I killed them all."

Kill baby killl

Fun facts:
¤In great B-movie fashion the whole movie was shot in 18 days.

¤After the succes of this film and the popularity of it's starlet Pam Grier, the company (AIP) threw out another movie with Pam in the lead just 9 months later called Foxy Brown. The fact that they both had the same tone and the same lead made many people think it was the same movie.

Gorescore: 2/10
Pam Grier makes the life short for pushers, pimps and sexfreaks with everything from shotguns, shanks and running them over with cars.
A pimp being lynched from a car might sound extreme but the fact that you can easily see that its a dummy takes some of the shockvalue.

Isnt that Saddam Hussein

Babescore: 10/10
What more do i have to say than Pam Grier in her prime. A total babe in that natural and voluptuous way of the 70's. Not only does she own one of the most wellknown and praised cleavages in moviehistory she also knows how to pack a punch. Lots of nudity but not in that sleazy softcore kind of way.

Etched into the mind since childhood

B-movie/Cult score: 8/10
A trendsetting movie that started a whole assemblyline of movies featuring black babes with guns plus Sid Haig is in the movie and that gives it some points alone.
The story is ok, the acting is ok in most of the cases (though her little sister could have been dead and i wouldnt have noticed) and most of Coffy's killings and fistfights have a reasonable cause behind them. Basicly a diamond in the rough that could have been much better if it had a higher budget and more than 18 days of shoting.

The actual movie: 7/10
Even though the movie was shot in 18 days and didnt have that big of a budget this is an ok movie. Some scenes have flawed directing and Pam Grier is quite honestly not that good of an actor at this point, that is until Tarantino payed homage to her and put her in the lead of Jackie Brown in the 90's.
Unlike most other blaxploitation flicks from the 70's this one isnt really that hatefilled against me and other paleskins out there and even though it features some black power elements it never goes to far wich is nice to see.

The new barbarians (1982)

2012-01-28T07:17:00.000-08:00

"Dealers in death... exterminators of the 21st century"

Original title: I nuivo barbari
Genre: Wasteland, Sci-fi
Runtime: 87 minutes
IMDB: 4.3
Production company: Fulvia film
Director: Enzo G Castellari
Cast: Fred Williamson/Giancarlo Prete/George Eastman/Anna Kanakis/Iris Peynado/Ennio Girolami

Trailer

The plot in short:
The year is 2019 (again) and the world is a deadly wasteland after the recent nuclear war (again). A group calling themself the Templars terrorises the wasteland with the intent to exterminate all human life that has survived. They do all this sporting excellent clothing, superb mohawks and mullets while driving around in chromepainted golfcars and jumping with motorcrosses. The goodguy named Scorpion also cruises the desert and so a futuristic carwar between good and evil has started.

Great moments and quotes throughout the film:
10 minutes in: The leader of the Templars find a book and rips it to pieces with his bare hands claiming "BOOKS!!, thats what started the whole apocalypse.". Did i miss something in the story?

"The latest gear from H&M"

17 minutes in: Our hero called Scorpion "plays war" with a kid who shoots a slingshoot at him. Scorpion on the other hand uses a gun shooting explosive charges against the kid who luckily never gets hit. My guess is child protection laws died out with the rest of civilisation.

31 minutes in: A Templar sticks a bomb to Scorpions cardoor. Scorpion calmly reaches over to the "shoot away door button" he conveniently has in his car sending the dynamite and the cardoor it is sticking to onto the car of the Templars. Did they just make up shit up as they where filming?

"Golfcars with flamethrowers"

57 minutes in: The biggest WFT-moment ever in moviehistory is when Scorpion gets captured and has to undergo the initiation-rite by the Templars. He (this is true) gets raped up the ass by the leader while the other Templars watch hahahaha.

78 minutes in: As the climaxing final fight is almost over a Templar takes a group of hippie pacifists as hostages to escape Scorpion. He tells Scorpion that he will kill them one by one if he doesnt drop his gun. The Templar kills one guy, kills another one and then a third one. Finally he gets tired of killing civilians and goes after Scorpion instead (who by the way did nothing to save the hostages). Guess thats how a man survives in the wasteland.

Fun facts:
¤Not only is the backgroundstory basicly the same as in 2019: After the fall of New York but both George Eastman and Anna Kanakis later played in that same movie.

Gorescore: 3/10
Head cut of by propeller, death by spear to scrotum and random badguys exploding from being shoot by dynamiteguns. Nothing spectacular or extreme.

Babescore: 3/10
Anna Kanakis is sort of a babe i guess but to wierd and annoying to make any deeper impact on teenage hearts. She humps Scorpion in a seethrough plastic tent PG13 style. Other from that the most erotic scene in the movie is when Scorpion gets raped by the militant gay's in the Templars so no not a big babefeast here if you ask me.

"A medical exam is as hot as it gets"

B-movie/Cult score: 8/10
Just like 2019: After the fall of New York it's a complete rip-off from other movies but has some excellent clothingdesigns and vehicles in the movie. Lets talk about the vehicles for a moment. If you have seen Mad Max you know how awesome a battle by car can look, now replace these rusted old monstercars with golfcars that only run at 1/2 the speed of a normal car and you can imagine the "intensity" of these car-chases. Add to that gay bondage scenes and you just know that your in for a good time.

The actual movie: 4/10
Well what can i say. There is no story to speak of whatsoever, the whole movie is shoot in some abandoned quarry with no change in scenery whatsoever. But the worst thing in here is the stunts. Seems the director thinks his movie is more awesome than it actually is, everything from the smallest 2 yard jumps with a crossbike is filmed in slowmotion with lasertechno sounds added to give it that extra "futuristic" feeling.
The fact that Fred Williamson is in the movie doesnt make it a whole lot better thats for sure. The way he delivers his line's are just painfull to listen to.

2019: After the fall of New York (1983)

2012-01-26T06:48:00.000-08:00

"In the year 2019, the future depends on one man"

Original titel: 2019 Dopo la caduta di New York
Cathegory: Wasteland, Sci-fi
Runtime: 96min
IMDB: 5.5
Production company: Les films du Griffon
Director: Sergio Martino
Cast: Michael Sopkiw/Valentine Monnier/George Eastman/Anna Kanakis/Romano Puppo/Edmund Purdom/Hal Yamanouchi

Trailer

The plot in short:
After the nuclear worldwar in 1999 all that remains of the world is a postacopalyptic wasteland filled with radioactive ruins and mutated humans. The Eurak-monarchy has declared themselfs the winners and rules the wasteland with an ironhand. As if things wasnt bad enough all women have lost their fertility resulting in a near extinction of mankind as we know it. All except one female that is. Parsifal is the man to save her so he ventures into the backstreets of New York with his awkward band of bikerwarriors fighting monkeypeople and evil Europeans on his way.

Great moments and quotes throughout the movie:
12 minutes in: After the great deathrace tournament in Nevada Desert our hero Parsifal (Michael Sopkiw) walks out as the victor. He claims his price from some random clowncyborg that gives him the right to kill and the ownership of...... a hermaphrodite sexslave!! Luckily enough Parsifal dont swing that way so in the next scene he kills a bunch of farmers (wait so this is the HERO?) and gives her their horse and her freedom back.

"Me and my hermaphrodite riding into the sunset"

22 minutes in: When the band of heros first arrive in Manhattan they get aproached by a saxophoneplaying man saying "See that, they baked the Big apple". No shit they did that 20 years ago. Has this guy just been standing around repeating the same line to everyone for the past years?

31 minutes in: A bunch of mutants are chasing down a little boy. After taking him down they notice he isnt a little boy but in fact a midget and one of the mutie girls yell out to kill him. In steps Parsifal saving the midget and saying "It's not his fault he isnt a child" hahaha oh the humanity.

63 minutes in: After being captured by the monkeypeople Parsifal get involved in a one-on-one knifefight with one of them. The others monkeypeople stand and cheer them on all decked up in awefull monkeycostumes and bad facialhair makeup. All except one.... a black man with no makeup whatsoever. WTF!

"Big Ape the leader of the monkeypeople"

92 minutes in: The president is sick and tells Parsifal that he cant stand the G-forces in the spaceship. He gives Parsifal his spot on the ship but as it takes of everybody is just standing around all casual as if going downtown by buss.

Fun facts:
¤One of the maneating rats that eats on a human was actually a guinea pig "disguised" as a rat. Are rats really that scarse or where they just refusing to act? What is the story of this guinea pig scab?

Gorescore: 2/10
Quite PG13 actually with no real splattersequences, the version i watched had a few cuts but the things left out wasnt really that bad by todays standards. Most blood is ultrared paint and isnt really that frequent. One guy gets his head blown off thats about as bad as it gets.

"Casual lasershooting"

Babescore: 2/10
No nudity and no real b-movie babes to speak of. Mostly eyecandy for the ladies here with Michael Sopkiw in his tight jeans and fair hair.

B-movie/Cult score: 6/10
Even though it lacks some of the obvious b-movie ingredients like violent gore and naked girls it still has a lot of sleaze to offer. The evil Eurak soldiers uniforms is the first thing that comes to mind. While everybody has a sort of bikerpunk style going on these guys are decked up in something out of the dark ages. Not to forget that they shoot dynamite from crossbows while our hero is blasting a laserpistol.
Sometimes a movie can be really bad but still have a lot of cultvalue because of it's originality. This is not the case here since the whole plot is ripped straight from the movies Escape from New York and The road warrior.

The actual movie score: 7/10
Watching the film again almost 15 years later i must say that the movie has some really good directing if you put the budget and the actual script in to consideration. This is by far the best Sergio Martino movie ever even though it has it's flaws. It also features a great soundtrack in that 80's discopunk kind of way.

Sleaze, filth and b-movies.

2012-01-25T02:06:00.000-08:00

This site will feature reviews of movies most people wouldnt sit through if they got payed for it. It is dedicated to the sleazy, overviolent, perverted and plain bad but most of all fun movies i grew up on.

I see them as a punkrock of the movie-industry that started in the 60's and grew big in the 80's VHS era. Sure the girls where naked and the black's where stereotyped but atleast both of them got to play other roles than the one's the mainstream offered them. Like one famous exploitation-starlet said herself "I'd rather take my clothes of before moving down badguys with a machinegun than play another silent housewife."

A dedication to sleaze that i hope atleast someone out there will appretiate.